A Cunty Affair
Celebrities Seek Advice From Boatpeople.
While the recent debate over the Gillard Government's Malaysian Solution has not swung the general public's opinion towards the potential refugee crisis, the refugees themselves have some new fans.
A Cunty Affair can report that the past few days, a large number of B- and C-list celebrities have been making the trek up to the detention centre on Christmas Island.
At first, we were led to believe that this was a mere refugee advocacy project. However, our research have discovered that there is indeed more to it than that.
The Failure Of Political Debate.
A Cunty Affair has been on quite a lengthy hiatus, fueled largely by a combination of laziness, cuntbaggery and being out of the country looking for Bigfoot.
Well, that never happened.
Career Advice For Kim Duthie.
They talk about 15 minutes of fame, well, notorious "St Kilda Schoolgirl" Kim Duthie has had considerably more than that over the past six months.
First, there were the naked photos of Nick Riewoldt and some teammate who's name I don't remember because I don't follow GayFL. Then came the accusations that she did drugs and had sex with player agent Ricky Nixon.
Now? Apparently the last part was all a lie.
We at A Cunty Affair do not appreciate the besmirching of footballer's names.
Hating Animal Cruelty Is More Than Racist.
Last night's Four Corners edition introduced many Australians to the brutal practice of halal slaughter and the culpability of Agriculture Australia in this barbaric practice by exporting live Aussie cattle to Islamic countries.
Well, today A Cunty Affair has received notice that the Islamic Council of Australia plans to hit back at the expose, which mostly focused on the practice of ritual halal slaughter which is the traditional Muslim manner of slaughtering animals to make them fit for consumption.
No strangers to calling racism when they see fit, Grand Mutfi Abu bin Osama Muhammad Shoaib Akhtar al-Jazeera released a statement to A Cunty Affair stating that the council believes that this news article was not just merely racist, it was RACIST.
That's right.
The Drinking Craze Sweeping The Nation.
In our youth, we all probably remember playing the drinking game “Hour of Power.” 60 minutes, 60 shots of beer. Of course, during that time we probably slightly embarrassed ourselves and maybe said some things we’d rather not have. And certainly, our parents worried about where we were heading.
But the misadventures of our young adult years can not be compared to the depravity that is running rampant amongst the youth of today.
A Cunty Affair's reporters have recently discovered the newest trend amongst university-age students. Called the 99 Hour, it involves the consumption of 99 one-dollar vodka jelly shots in the space of 99 minutes.
Australia, USA Work Illegal Immigrant Swap.
Recently, the Gillard Government introduced the Malaysian Solution to the illegal refugee crisis, where Australia will take refugees from Malaysia.
Naturally, the plan was widely pilloried both from the left and from hardworking taxpayers who were stunned by the cost of this scheme.
Recognising the political implications of this plan, the Government has been chasing up alternate avenues and may just have struck gold after recent discussions with the USA.
A Cunty Affair was made aware of the historical bilateral agreement just recently. Under the scheme, Australia will have all the refugees currently being processed in detention centres sent to the USA, where they will be recognized as refugees.
Gillard Government Officially Out Of Distractions.
A Cunty Affair apologies for the two week hiatus. We'd like to say it was for some deep and important reason...but really it's cause we're fucking lazy cunts.
First we had the carbon tax. Then we had the Budget. Then came the Malaysian Solution.
The Gillard Labor Government has so far stopped at nothing to continue to implement their evil agenda on decent, hardworking Australians. However we at A Cunty Affair have been handed a shocking piece of news.
This Government is officially out of distractions.
A senior Government source who asked not to be named said that the situation was a major headache for Ms Gillard.
"It's a real problem, I can tell you that.
Osama Bin Laden "Unhappy In Hell".
A Cunty Affair has never hesitated in the past to bring you the important stories from every end of the Earth.
Well, today we've gone one step further. Our reporters have entered the afterlife.
With yesterday's death of Osama bin Laden, St Peter bin Buddha has granted us permission to report on his first day in the afterlife.
And the dead terrorist leader is not a happy man.
"I only got 64 virgins," the dead terrorist leader complained. "This is bullshit. The Koran clearly says that I'm supposed to get 72. And look at them! They're all f___ing ugly! I'm supposed to get a bunch of fine ladies here, hello Allah?
President Barack Obama Attacks Billionaire Donald Trump.
Trump plans reply once his hair is re-set.
The annual White House Correspondent's Association dinner is traditionally a light hearted affair. An opportunity for the President of the United States of America to "let his hair down", so to speak, and have a bit of a laugh at himself.
Prince William Goes To The Toilet Before Wedding.
Recently, all the eyes of the English speaking world have been on the upcoming royal wedding, where the future King of the British Commonwealth will marry his longtime girlfriend and our future Queen in what most commentators are calling a modern day fairytale. Is there a more beautiful story to tell our children?
Well, A Cunty Affair has recently come into some shocking information.
It appears that Prince William, in a private moment, used a toilet in Buckingham Palace. Not only that, but our sources are saying that he was carrying a mobile phone at the time.
"I saw 'is mobile, yes I did," quoted Reggie Nuffing, long time bathroom door opener at the Palace. "William, 'e went in to the bafroom and I could see the bulge in 'is pockets.
You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed?
