STU KICKS: the RIGID HEART and MOIST SOUL of duderocket (tm)
5 NEW REALITY TV SHOWS 4 CHANEL 7
sup peeples i am here today to tell you all about this new sensation that is sweeping da nation and it is called REALITY TV. Chanel 7 has been pumpin this shit like its anabolic they have the ratings success of X FACTOR in which a wide varietee of differrent stars all sing in each episode and then everyone has to guess which one ronan keating (son of irish politishun paul keating) had sex with. at the end of each episode ronan reveals the guilty party by saying "YEAH I FAKT 'ER" (hence the title X "FACT-OR"). Chanel 7 also has the heartwarming documentaree BEAUTY AND THE GEEK where people with diffrent disabilities go on blind dates with each another.
guide 2 bill murray
yo wassup today i am writing to a very special audience. y’all know who you are. you da readers. yeah wassup READERS. i am going to take you out of your special world of reading and speak to you right now about a very special man – BILL MURRAY. you may be unaware of him because you’re a reader but he is a major FILM SUPERSTAR and alongside pauly shaw and jackie chan he is one of the GREATEST COMEDIANS OF ALL TIME.
bill murray first came to fame in the 60s for his controversial stand up routine where he would burn dollar bills on stage. this is how he got the nickname DOLLAR BILL and even today many of his films make subtle references to this.
THE TRU STORY OF JESUS
a gentle xmas sup from me in this holiday seeson. you may have noticed that i have been absent from the duderocker site for a while and all i can say is that this is due to a court case that i cant currently talk about. you may not hear from me again in a while but dont be hatin i know i am destined for GREATER THINGS and i just have to BELEIVE IN MYSELF.
ive had time to reflect on my life lately and as this is a special time of year i thought i would tell you a CHRISMAS STORY about my friend JESUS ARROYO from my teenage days on the HARD STREETS OF SHALVEY PLUMPTON AND TREGEAR you dont want to mess with these streets they are 150% pure blood like first time sex.
home loan for STU KICKS
sup. i have been very busy of late runnin deals to make some cash so i have been absence. i have gone semi legitimite and now quite the businessman. this means toning down the stu kicks talk so minds arent blown too quickly in bizness deals. 2LEGIT thats me. anyways i had this killa idea to turn my house into a cash magnet but i also did not want to use my actual house for this NO ITS NOT LIKE THAT.
a NEW aboriginal flag for a REPUBLIC australia
hello my internet frends if u will permit me to give you an educatin please tear your eyes away from your latest copy of JUSTIN BEEBER MAGAZINE and stop bein one of THOSE GUYS. this is the TIME FOR A NEW LESSON. i am offten accused of bein a popular guy and whiles that is very true in the most TRUTH related way i am also on a mission to educate people who do not know as much as me. i am a modern day gandi but only i dont wear nappies or glassers or drive a taxi from the hours of 10 pm to 6 am in the morning. i am 4 REAL.
offten we have had talk in the medias that AUSTRALIA needs a new flag if it becomes a REPUBLIC. a republic is what happens when you stop takin shit from other countrys. when a country becomes a republic they take DOWN there old flag and the prime minista is made to walk thru the streets with only this one flag to wear instead of clothes. they are then marched to the ocean where they are forced to SWIM TO THE NEAREST COUNTRY in this case it would be tasmania. as they take the flag with them the new republic then needs a new flag for its people. i have seen many versions of this new flag and some of them are okay but it got me thinkin WHAT IF THE ABORIGINALS WANT TO BE A REPUBLIC TOO? in this case we would have to send away the aboriginal prime minister who is that guy from yothu yindi and he would take the old aboriginal flag with him.
i contacted the NATIONAL INDIGINEOUS TIMES a well known newspaper for aboriginals and people who like aboriginals and sent them this email to peek there interest
sup NIT
I have a story idea that you might be interested in regarding the role of australian aboriginals in australia as a republic.
and they got back to me STRAIT AWAY because they could sense how IMPORTANT THIS ISSUE IS.
I'm always interested in a story idea and will consider it if it has currency.
Stephen Hagan
Editor | National Indigenous Times
i always have currency as i am a very current guy so i then sent him my new flag dezign
sup steve
basicaly i have designed a new aboriginal flag for republic australia
you could put it on ur site to raise awareness
i have attached it so you can check it out
peace
i have so far resieved no reply but this means that the wheels are in motion and this flag is no dowt being adopted right now. dont be surprised if you see a naked yothu yindi singer swimming to tasmania with only a flag to keep him warm.
YOU HERD IT HERE FIRST. CONSIDER URSELF EDUCATED.
the salsa that was not 2HOT
sup. stu kicks here to bring to your attention a important issue related to some salsa i recently brought. i am puttin it up on this website because the makers of this salsa product FAILED to get back to me. time will tell if they heed my warnin but they better because heedin is needin if you know what i am sayin.
ATTENTION to the makers of this jar of salsa. on the lable of your jar it says that it is 'hot'. due to the lack of photographic material of hot puneen like megan fox, scarlet johanson or vanessa hudjins on the jar i have gone on the assumpton that this means it be a hot time for my tongue and mouthular area.
i dont know if you know this but salsa was invented in ancient eastern europe by my albanian GREAT GRANDFATHER BURIM. he said that it if isnt hot then its just tomato sauce. why are you trickin me into eatin tomato sauce? i ate your salsa and it wasnt hot. i am tuffer than most people but i still expect hot salsa to be hot so it looks like we have a problem. my great granfather BURIM will be doin lou kang style bisickle kicks in his grave. FIX IT. if he is doin these kicks it means he is probly kickin my great granmother who is buried next to him.
i have some sugestions for you.
1. make hot salsa hotter by increasin the spice intake of your tomatos. this can be acheeved by playin the tomatos SICK MIDDLE EASTERN DANCE MUSIC and showin them JET LI movies.
2. change the name of your salsa to BURIM'S SPECIAL PUNCHING SAUCE.
3. put pictures of megan fox on the lable.
4. my final sugestion is for you to follow my other sugestions.
in good faith i give you this gift of knowledge. LERN FROM IT.
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after this i expected them to reply to me but this didnt happen. so i went to my local woolies and i walked up to the register chick and gave her my empty salsa jar in exchange for my money plus $100 compensation. she told me i had to talk to the complaints department now WHY would i want to TALK TO A HOLE DEPARTMENT OF COMPLAININ PEOPLE WHEN I AM THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO COMPLAIN? she had a good laugh at that and i laughed too like that bit in DIE HARD 2 where bruce willies has a gun stickytaped to his back only insted of a gun i had my TWO FISTS OF SLAVIC FURY. even tho todays article is about improvments to be made to doritos hot salsa i will digress to share with you another piece of prime steak knowledge. if you need to take down a 16 year old girl with bad posture it will only take one punch. as i said to security in the shoppin centre im not sayin i know this from personal experience im just sayin you dont need to punch such a person more than once. ONE TIME IS SAFICIENT. the same rule applies to people with spina biffida, hakim from plumpton high school and anywon who is heavily pregnant. BE RESPONSIBUL AND DONT PUNCH THESE PEOPLE MORE THAN ONCE IF YOU NEED TO TAKE THEM DOWN.
as usual this educatin has been for free so make sure you paid attention.
WHAT I COULD TEECH OTHER COUNTRIES #1: NEW GUINEE
above is a guide to new guinee. figur 1 is international new guineean movie star DANNY GLOVER. figur 2 is a guinee pig which is the national quizine. figur 3 is new guinees most popular band THE SCRATCHY BEARD TRIO. figur 4 is the countries most popular sauna but three of the guys in the pictur forgot to take there clothes off so they are about to start SWEATIN BALLS. and figur 5 is the recent popular new guinee sitcom GOOD TIMES.
OK for me to help new guinee we have to start at the start. for a start what kind of name is NEW guinee? where is the OLD guinee its not even a real place is it. we dont call australia NEW BRITAIN or NEW CHINA its called AUSTRALIA which is an ancient aboroginal word for HAVING A GOOD TIME.
new guinee is an island in the carobeean and there biggest export is guinee pigs. the new guineeans are so poor that they have to eat rats so they call them guinee pigs to make themselves feel better BUT IT DOESN'T WORK. here are some tips for new guinee
1. stop eatin rats
2. change the name of your country to something cooler like JET LI STADIUM
3. come up with your own martial arts star to export to the world like chinea did with JET LI, canada did with JOHN CLAUDE VAN DAM and japan did with STEVEN SEGAL
4. start puttin on some cloths. i know its cool to walk around naked but no one wants to see old dudes with bits of bark hangin off there dongs. i wouldnt tolerate it in my nite club so why would you tolerate it in the street or your parliment house.
5. make some commemrative coins of DANNY GLOVER. he's a cool guy.
and here is my final tip in a pictoral form
the search for REAL hardcore
wassup my name is stu kicks and i want to welcome you to the RIGID HEART and MOIST SOUL of duderocket IE. ME.
on a weekly by weekly bassis i will be tellin you all whats up with the world. this will take the form of EDUCATION. call me an educator.
i thought i wood venture into the world of HARDCORE music and lend it some MOIST SOUL.
so i placed this ad on anotha forum
"wassup fuckers
i am an brutal fuckin singer and am currently auditioning bands to back me up
do you have what it takes? were talkin radical shit like korn, rammstein, rise to remain, parkway drive.
if you think you have what it takes then send me an email at but hey dont apply if you have an ego ok? this band is about me not you if you knuckle down and provide some awesome heavy shit then things will work out for us all.
hardcore forever."
this got a reply from sum gurl named Xjan!
"Settle down rockstar."
to which i replied
"i am more than a rockstar i am an icon for a new age. ur just a know-nothing loser so i wouldnt expect you to understand."
which put them in there place.
there were no further takers so i moved on an ddecided to answer the ad of a band called AVENUES AND SILHOUETTES. they are 'post hardcore' which i assume to be a cross between hardcore and deliverin the mail. here is there ad:
"Hello!
We're looking for a vocalist to join our band as our singer leaves.
We're active since 2005, given about 200 gigs+festivals, lot of national tours and a european tour. We're the most relevant spanish modern metal band by MySpace, are signed by Roadrunner Record Spain and have some important sponsors like Gibson, Truth Drums, Elixir Strigs, Atticus Clothing, Vans..
Our goals for 2011 is to record a new album, promote it and tour.
We're looking for a melodic and screamer vocalist with high level and english.
We offer solid commitment with the band, experience and hard work.
You can listen to us on: Avenues & Silhouettes GET METEORS ON iTUNES NOW! on Myspace Music - Free Streaming MP3s, Pictures & Music Downloads
And if you are interested, please write an email to
Thank you for reading."
they sounded a bit desprate so i stepped in with a email to make there day complete.
wassup i saw your ad on sevenstring.org
i am a 4real vocalist looking to join a band like yours and i think you will be very impressed with my stuff
let me know if your interested and i can arrange to audition
peace out
- Stu
this came back with a reply
The Shenanigans are everything punk rock should not be: dumb and boring.
